Bye-bye, Breastfeeding!

Perspective is everything.  Prior to bringing the babies home, I had decided that we wouldn't give them pacifiers.  I didn't see the point in starting a bad habit that would need to be corrected down the road or in risking possible "nipple confusion" as they learned how to breastfeed.  One of the first nights that the babies were home with us, however, that "decision" went flying out the window when I, sleep deprived and frustrated with a baby (Miss Maddie) who just would not sleep in spite of everything else we had tried, growled at Jim, "Give her a pacifier!"  Now, both babies use pacifiers to soothe themselves to sleep, and I could care less...as long as they're sleeping!

While we waited to be blessed with a baby (or two!), I couldn't understand why new moms wouldn't opt to breastfeed their little bundles.  It just seemed like the natural choice - a choice that would benefit both baby and mommy alike.  I knew that if given the opportunity, I would breastfeed.

And then I suddenly had the opportunity...times two.  When we learned that we were expecting twins, I wavered a bit in my resolution to breastfeed, but ultimately decided that I would give it a go.  It was for the best, right?

Right...but boy, did my perspective on breastfeeding change.  Yes, its benefits to baby, mommy, and the bank account cannot be denied.  However, it's HARD!  After breastfeeding and pumping to provide nutrition for two babies over the last six months and encountering a fair share of bumps along the way, I can now say, "I get it."  I understand why some women choose not to breastfeed or choose to stop breastfeeding after just a few days/weeks.  I managed to avoid the mastitis and the thrush with which some other breastfeeding mothers are faced.  I experienced very little pain or discomfort after the initial week or two.  I never even had problems with leaking.  Yet, as you may expect of a mother of twins, I battled a fair share of supply issues.  I tried everything to help boost my supply - Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, Mother's Milk Tea (barf), oatmeal, beer, water...and still, I felt pressure to "keep up" with the babies.  Rarely did I have a surplus of milk to rely on, which meant that I was tied to the pump and to the house just to ensure that I had enough milk to make the next bottle for one of the twins (I fed one on the breast and one from the bottle.).  I was pumping up to six times for 15 minutes per session throughout the day, and woke up once overnight to pump for 30 minutes.  Initially, I didn't mind those middle-of-the-night sessions so much, as I was getting up with the babies anyways, and I was going to bed earlier so that I would get a decent stretch of sleep in before the early wake-up call.  Since the babies began sleeping through the night, though, I came to resent those sessions the most.  While Jim slept undisturbed in our bed, I was downstairs getting milked.  And when the 30-minute session ended, more often than not, I was not able to fall asleep again very easily, for I first had to push the husband off of my side of the bed, and then I needed to find a way to ignore the loudly snoring beast named Bailey who sleeps in our room.  Chances were likely, too, that one of the babies would wake up just as I was drifting off to sleep. 

When I wasn't feeding or pumping, it seemed that I was worrying about breastfeeding:  How much are they really getting?  I hope that the Mexican food that I ate for dinner won't bother them.  I wonder if the herbs that I'm taking to increase supply are troubling their tummies?  I wonder if the milk in the mochas that I treat myself to is difficult for them to digest?  When/How will I pump if they don't sleep during this nap time?  Can I have a glass of wine?  How about ten glasses?!?

No one tells expectant mothers how difficult breastfeeding may be (probably because everyone is telling expectant mothers how breastfeeding is the ONLY way to go).  I thought it would just "happen" shortly after birth.  It didn't.  It took five days for my milk to completely come in, and until then, Jim and I had to feed the babies by way of syringe and shield.  Yes, I said "Jim and I", as he was just as much a part of the process (and a painfully laborius process at that) as I was.  So imagine our disgust when, upon discharge from the hospital, we were told that another woman had given birth to twins the night before and had immediately begun tandem feeding them in the recovery room.  Freak.

Once we moved past the syringe and shield feedings, it wasn't necessarily smooth sailing.  In the beginning, Maddie took to nursing better than Will, who struggled to latch and stay latched.  A few months later and Maddie was the one who struggled with breastfeeding, as she had difficulty focusing on the task.  She just didn't have time for it any longer!

When I had decided that I would breastfeed the twins, I set a goal of nursing them for six months...and here we are, on the eve of their six month birthday!  I have been ready for nursing to end for some time now, and yet tonight, I'm feeling a little sad that tomorrow will be my last day of breastfeeding the babies.  I think I will miss breastfeeding...not the getting up at 3:30 a.m. or the ill-fitting nursing bras or the herbs, of course, but I think I'm sad to see it end simply because it's one more indicator that the babies are growing up...too fast!  The six month mark had always seemed so far in the future, and now, suddenly, it's here!  I'll soon need to return to work, and the babies will need to start staying with a yet-to-be-identified caregiver.

So tomorrow we will bid a bittersweet farewell to breastfeeding.  It's been a long, bumpy road, but one that I am proud to have taken. 

I guess I need to stop eating for three now.  *Sigh*